Baby number two!

Gotcha. No, I'm not pregnant again (praise the LORD, that would be horrible at this point in my life).

But, I feel like I'm ready to tell the world about our first baby.

No, Keegan was our first BORN but not our first baby. I started miscarrying on July 21st, 2010. It was the worst week of my life.

We hadn't even been trying to get pregnant. I was late, and showing some symptoms. Kris finally convinced me to take a test. Surprisingly, it was negative. But I still didn't start a day later, so I took another. Kris had already left for work. I walked back into the bathroom to pick up a pregnancy test, and to my shock, it was POSITIVE. I started trembling immediately. I was terrified.

I didn't respond the way you would normally think someone would respond when they find out they're expecting. I couldn't stop shaking. I called Kris. HE was pumped. I simply felt terrified. I had a little spotting, so I made sure to call the OB on my way to work that morning. I described how far along I was, and described my spotting.

They said that's perfectly normal- but just for good measure to go to the lab on my lunch break and get some blood work done.

Throughout the day I got more and more excited. I had to tell my assistant manager so I could get a little extra time off at lunch to complete the blood work. She was psyched. I started getting psyched.

At the lab the lady was asking me all sorts of questions, "Is this your first?" "Oh boy, how will this baby learn to spell your last name?!" All of which got me more and more excited.

The next day I had training up in Grand Rapids for work with my co-worker, Brad. We drove together. In the morning I got a phone call from the doctor's asking me to call them as soon as I got the message. Before lunch, I stepped aside and called. To my dismay, I was told that the numbers didn't look good and to, "brace for the worst." I knew what that meant. I called Kris in absolute tears. He tried to be optimistic, that maybe our little baby would defy all odds and be one of those rare cases and end up growing and growing and growing and turn into a happy and healthy baby.

Poor Brad. I had to stay the whole afternoon through class, and then drive us back to Lansing. The whole way I kept crying and not telling him why!

We were supposed to stay late at the office that day to make phone calls to customers about some changes that were coming- but I went to the bathroom, and that's when I started miscarrying. I started bawling, and my assistant manager came back. She gave me a huge hug and told me to go home.

I called Kris on the way home, and we decided we'd go to the hospital to make sure.

I just remember feeling so guilty that the primary emotion I felt those past two days was terror. I remember screaming while I sobbed in my garage. I remember saying, "I really want you! I really do!"

I cried the whole way to Sparrow. We waited in the emergency room for seven hours before being taken back. I understood that there were "emergencies" that took precedence, but to me, this WAS an emergency. It was the life of my baby hanging in the line.

We were at the hospital until 4:00am the next morning.

I was miscarrying. They told me to come into the doctor's the next day. There was the most kind-hearted nurse I'd ever had. She looked me flat in the eye and say, "Some people will think you're crazy. But you were a Mom. Even just for a couple days- you were a mom. That will always be your first baby and no one can take that away from you." I tear up thinking about it while I type. I was told to wait it out and let everything "pass" naturally.

I remember the horror every time something came out, and I KNEW what it was. It was awful.

Even though 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, you never talk about it. You don't tell anyone. It's so private and personal, and you can't help but feel inadequate. I knew eventually I'd be ready to tell people about it. On my time.

The doctor told us not to try to get pregnant again for at least 3-6 months. We didn't listen. Keegan was conceived 2 1/2 weeks later. I figured that God would control which baby would be our first born. Keegan must've really wanted to be born... That's why we picked the name, "Keegan". It means little fiery one, and I think it describes his personality perfectly since the day he was formed.

I now know why I lost that first baby: so that when I first found out about Keegan I couldn't help but be thrilled. That terror wasn't there. I just knew I was ready and that he had such a purpose. That first little baby helped me get to the point where I was ready to be a mom.

That first little baby brought my sister and I together after years of being at odds with each other.

My first baby had a purpose.